Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
