so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
