ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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