I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
