my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
