Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
