I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
