I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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