Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
