I'm really into asian looking animals
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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