Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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