Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize