Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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