i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
tell me about the eggs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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