yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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