I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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