you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize