why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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