I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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