Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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