I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
