he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
