Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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