I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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