Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
