dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
