I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
