Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
