6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
