Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
