My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
