I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
