i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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