My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
