Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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