Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
