i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
