I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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