I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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