so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
