4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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