i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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