And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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