After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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