he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
