Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
