I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
