I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
