So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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