She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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