Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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