If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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