I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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