He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Alive.
So much puke
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
