if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
