Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
