every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
