Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
