My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
